Will you stop playing that song now?

I study
the arch of your brow
in between the definitions of synaptic cleft and
somatic motor function
I wonder about the twitches
your axons transmit
to give your eyes that dead stare
I guess you didn’t realize
I was looking so hard that I saw your eyes
were looking at what was next to mine
instead of what was in them

And good luck with that girl who was born in the 90’s.

When I look at it all a certain way I get pissed off, wondering how you chose to spend such a huge amount of your significant time with someone so vapid. Someone so obviously desperate to please you, to bend over into herself and present a farce so you might be pleased. I imagine her waiting up late for you to come home, her getting to know your friends, your habits, your cats, your family… I wonder how you could be so oblivious, yourself, with your Reiki and your Buddhist retreats and your Hermann Hesse books.

And then I think, well, if he can be so oblivious, so idiotic, then obviously he’s not the man for me! And then I remember to be nice to myself too, and I think — if he can’t give me the time of day, what am I here for anyway? I deserve to be desired, no? If I want it I deserve it. I remember to love myself only after the fact, but today is not a sad day and I am not going to dwell on bad habits…

And then I decide — I will cut the cord! I will release the ghosts and you can do whatever you want, and I wont have to pay attention. I will love someone better. I don’t have to have some decade long on again/off again connection, some sporadic attraction that fits into your schedule at your convenience. Go ahead, approach 40 alone with a million ladies in waiting, and date 20-year-olds in the mean-time. I know what I want, so good luck to you. Sincerely.

And then I see you again and all of my resolve melts away. And you hug me a million times, and look at me that way, and interlace your fingers with mine, and have that rapport with me that is so easy, that knowing, that understanding… After a bit I remember to love myself again though, and I guess that is the lesson here. I get it. Thanks for the help.